I will tell you the whole story:
My son, Sam, was born in April of 1994. For years before being pregnant, I had a recurring dream of my child being taken from me- sometime five times in one night. The vision was always the same- a stranger running off with my baby in a stroller in a park. Having the awareness of the possibility of losing him, I cherished each moment with him with a deep wonder and total acceptance.
When I saw him for the first time, I heard and felt “whole, complete and perfect.” The feeling was overwhelmingly pure positive warm wonderous love, and at that moment, I knew that all he ever was or will be was already there... whole, complete, and perfect glowing inside him. I understood that it was now my job as his mother to allow him to know himself that way. The only thing for me to do was to ensure him an environment that allowed his bright light to shine, and so I removed any obstacles I could find.
Sometimes this meant having conversations with people who were in his life about judgment, and owning their judgments. For example, I would not say, “Good job” to him for something he did because the judgment “good” creates separation and diminishes his own awareness of his experience. Rather, I would say, “I like that” which clearly communicates it is my preference, and belongs to me. It generates a gift of additional energy and allows it to be freely accepted or not.
I undertook parenting this child from a state of gratitude and honor, never quite losing the feeling that our time together was precious.
When I decided to return to school to finish my degree, I chose to move back to Wisconsin from Montana, so that my son could get to know his grandparents while I was in class. I am grateful that I did- being able to have shared him with my parents and family has been a huge blessing for all of us.
Then in January 1998, there was a car accident in which he was killed. I was devastated. We were all devastated. I had spent four years with him as my constant companion – I had been unconsciously using him as my barometer of how well I was fulfilling my purpose on the planet. Without him, I was lost. I had a very hard time even going to the grocery store without him there with me. I had been transformed into a mother and there was no way to undo it.
I unknowingly spent an intense year and a half struggling with daily life and trying to cope with still being alive without a purpose. I had finished school and was working for Healthy Families – an organization providing direct help to families in need – when I found myself delivering diapers and formula – neither one of which I truly believed in. I had been guided to use cloth diapers and nurse my child until he was 3.
The realization that I was acting out of alignment with my own core beliefs sort of shook me, and allowed for an internal shift that led me to the question, “Wait a minute, how could I really help this woman?” Suddenly, I could see that we were not really helping. She was very pregnant and already a mother of two-year-old twins and a six- year-old boy. As I meditated on how I could actually help, I found that the source of her inability to have her life work, was her chronic back pain, and if I would take away her pain, she would be able to manage her own life. And that would really help.
In that moment when I became re-aligned with my true self, I had a flash of inner knowing that I had the ability to take away her pain. You see- I had taken an infant massage class with my son when he was five weeks old. In it, I learned that I could sense and move energy in other people’s bodies, and not just my own- as I always have. My son had no resistance to me. I could see and feel his energy moving in response to mine. Through him I learned what to feel for in others. I learned to feel for the essence of being and bring it out. I could apply the vibrations of “whole complete and perfect” and watch him shine.
Along with the knowing that I could help this woman with her pain, I knew it had to do with using what Sam had taught me I could do. I thought that if I could somehow use this knowledge to help take people out of pain and suffering, I could see a new life worth living. I had had a glimpse of what was possible when I created a future that was in alignment with my true self and could honor my son and the energy he brought here. There was a desire to live for something that inspired me that had been re-awakened. I was guided by my inner vision and seeds of inspiration onto the path of healing myself, and sharing my gifts with others.
The photo above is of me with my brother, the summer I turned six.